When Safety Becomes Scanning: Hypervigilance in Romantic Relationships
Have you ever found yourself constantly bracing for something to go wrong in your relationship—even when things are going well? Maybe you overanalyze texts, feel on edge when your partner seems distant, or struggle to fully relax around them. If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing hypervigilance: A nervous system response I often see in folks who’ve been through relational hurt in the past.
Let’s talk about what it is, why it happens, and how it can affect your romantic relationships.
So what exactly is hypervigilance?
Hypervigilance is basically your nervous system stuck in “high alert” mode. It’s the part of you that’s always scanning for danger, rejection, or anything that feels even a little unsafe.
This usually starts in environments where you had to stay alert to protect yourself—maybe growing up in a home with conflict, emotional unpredictability, or a lack of safety. Over time, your system learned: if I can just stay ahead of the hurt, I can survive it.
In adult relationships, though, that same protective strategy can end up causing a lot of distress.
What does hypervigilence look like?
Hypervigilance doesn’t always look like panic. It can be subtle, and it often shows up in ways we don’t even realize. For example:
Overanalyzing everything. A delayed text, a neutral tone, a change in your partner’s behaviour, and suddenly your brain is running through worst-case scenarios. Sound familiar?
Feeling anxious when things are good. Sometimes the calm is actually more triggering, because it feels unfamiliar or like the “calm before the storm.”
Pleasing to keep the peace. You might try to anticipate your partner’s every need to avoid upsetting them- often leaving you to abandonyour own needs.
Struggling to trust the connection. Even with reassurance, it still might not feel safe. You might question your partner’s feelings or intentions often.
Feeling easily triggered by small disconnections. Your partner being distracted, tired, or less affectionate can feel like abandonment, even if logically you know it’s not.
These reactions make sense, especially if you’ve had past experiences where love felt conditional or unpredictable. Your system is just trying to protect you, even if it’s working overtime.
So now what?
If you recognize yourself in any of this, I want you to know you're not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you. Hypervigilance is a response that likely helped you feel safe in the past. But it doesn't have to be the way you continue moving through relationships.
If you're feeling tired of being on high alert, or if you’re ready to explore where these patterns come from and how to shift them, together at SOMA we can create space for your nervous system to feel safer, help you understand your triggers with more compassion, and work toward relationships that feel more grounded and secure.
If this resonates with you, feel free to reach out or book a session at Soma Clinical Counselling—we can take the first steps together.