Am I Co-Dependent? And How Do I “Fix” It?
Let’s just be real: codependency is one of those things that sneaks in quietly, wears the disguise of love, loyalty, and being a “good person,” and before you know it, you’re totally tangled up in someone else’s emotions, decisions, or problems…and if Im being completely honest, you become disconnected from yourself.
I’ve found myself in patterns where I was overly available, constantly managing others’ feelings, scared of upsetting them, and putting my own needs last. It felt normal. It felt right. But it was slowly draining the life out of me.
When clients ask me what co-dependency is exactly, I often shrink it down to this one sentence: “if you’re okay, Im okay. If you’re not okay, Im not okay”
So where does it exactly come from?
Most of us who struggle with codependency didn’t just wake up one day and decide to lose ourselves in other people. This stuff usually comes from:
Childhood dynamics – Maybe you had a parent who needed you to be the caretaker, or you learned early that love was conditional on being helpful, quiet, or not causing problems.
Unmet emotional needs – If you didn’t get consistent nurturing or space to develop your own sense of self, it’s easy to attach your identity to helping or fixing others.
Fear of abandonment – Sometimes we believe deep down that if we stop doing everything for everyone, we’ll be rejected or left. That fear is powerful and hard to unhook from.
So what does co-dependency look like?
If you're unsure if this is you, here’s what codependency might look like in real life:
You feel guilty saying no — even when you're exhausted.
You’re constantly checking how they feel and adjusting yourself to avoid conflict.
You struggle to name your own needs, or they feel less important than someone else's.
You over-function — taking care of everything, fixing things that aren’t yours to fix.
Your mood depends on how someone else is doing. Sound familiar?
So… How the Heck Do I Fix It?
This is the part that feels hard but possible. Healing from codependency is less about becoming “independent” and more about becoming interdependent. Where your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s, and you’re not managing people to feel safe or worthy.
Here are some starting points:
1. Build Awareness
Notice when you’re slipping into old patterns. Start asking yourself:
“Am I doing this because I genuinely want to — or because I’m afraid not to?” “Do I fear upsetting the other person?”
2. Reconnect with Your Own Needs
This one is tough if you’ve spent years ignoring them. Start small: What do I want for dinner? What do I need this weekend to feel rested? What am I feeling right now?
3. Learn to Tolerate Discomfort
Setting a boundary might make someone disappointed. Saying no might feel wrong. But it’s temporary discomfort for long-term peace. Boundaries wont disrupt healthy relationships (period).
4. Get Support
You don’t have to untangle this alone. At Soma Clinical Counselling, healing co-dependency and hyper vigilance (see previous blog) is a area of focus in our counselling sessions with both individuals and couples.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Lastly, you didn’t create these patterns to make life hard. They were survival strategies. And now you’re learning to live, not just survive. Think surviving to thriving!
Final Thoughts
If this all feels painfully familiar, you’re not broken — you’re probably just burnt out from being everything for someone for too long. Codependency isn’t a life sentence. It’s a pattern, and patterns can be unlearned.
Want support figuring out how? Book a session with us at Soma — we can explore these patterns gently and start making space for you again.